With barely a month till the release of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, more and more plot details are being revealed, but one key question remains.
No no, not where Luke Skywalker is - frankly the farmboy Jedi was a crushing bore all the way through the first three movies, a kind of Clark Kent of deep space who pretty much only existed to drain the colour out of the universe.
No, the remaining question of relevance is simply this: will we finally get to see what's underneath the Jawas' robes?
Those creepy little bastards have been bugging me since A New Hope, with their hoods balanced on seemingly nothing and their glowing eyes and their "Uttini!"
The thing is, it’s not a question that’s ever been addressed at any length, and surely, after 38 years, it’s time for the truth.
We know that the Dark Side has a corrupting influence. That it has a tendency to lead to terrible things, turning this...
...and turning this...
Clearly, the Dark Side really does have cookies. Cookies of Death.
But in the case of the Jawas, my contention is that we’ve known what’s under their robes for some time, because the devious little fame-whores have already been seen sans robe. In fact, they’ve already made three full movies of their own, unencumbered by their tedious desertwear.
Surely then, The Force Awakens owes it to us to reveal the truth about the Jawas within the Star Wars universe. The dreadful truth, the truth too shocking to be seen in 1977.
The Jawas are the Minions of the Sith!
After all, what’s a short yellow dungaree-wearing banana-fetishist supposed to do a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, but find the most evil force in that galaxy and swear allegiance to it, donning cowls and beggaring about with bits of machinery till someone invents a banana.
It’s undeniable that both species show a fascination for and aptitude with gadgetry of all kinds. We know the Minions are adaptable to different environments, and would insert themselves into Tatooine. The height more or less matches, pointy cowl-hoods notwithstanding (that’s cheating), but more than anything, the vital clue to the identity and nature of the Jawas is the voices! Ohhhh the voices. I swear they’re not just in my head.
Exhibit A – The Jawas, cloaked, in 1977.
Annnd Exhibit B – The Uncloaked Jawas.
The case for the disrobing rests. It’s time to let the Minions go uncloaked in the franchise that secretly spawned them – it’s time for the Minions to awake.
May the Banana Be With You.
Video Source: MR Rusty
Tony Fyler lives in a cave of wall-to-wall DVDs and Blu-Rays somewhere fairly nondescript in Wales, and never goes out to meet the "Real People". Who, Torchwood, Sherlock, Blake, Treks, Star Wars, obscure stuff from the 70s and 80s and comedy from the dawn of time mean he never has to. By day, he runs an editing house, largely as an excuse not to have to work for a living. He's currently writing a Book. With Pages and everything. Follow his progress at FylerWrites.co.uk