Firstly, who the fuck eats pizza that way round??? Orange twat!
With that out the way, let's look back into the Trump archive for a selection of America's current Dictator-in-Chief's forays into the world of television advertising. You see, before the "Age of Trump" there was a time when young(er) Donald, not content with running a failing real estate empire and allegedly repeatedly raping his ex-wife, decided the world needed to see more of his face on the small screen. This was years before The Apprentice, a show he would later claim he co-created yet was already fully formed when Mark Burnett bought him onboard (thanks for doing that by the way Mark, way to go), but after he'd already hit the dizzy heights of Hollywood stardom by assisting young Kevin McCallister in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York...
Maybe it was that brief cameo which gave him a taste for more screentime, or maybe it was his 1994 appearance in a Playboy VHS release...
Either way, the following year Trump took over TV in the first of his commercials for Pizza Hut, starring alongside his ex-wife Ivana promoting Stuffed Crust pizzas...
Which family friendly restaurant wouldn't want Donald Trump associated with it, eh? Although Trump's freakishly small hands do make that slice of pizza seem enormous, so perhaps that was a consideration when casting him?
If you watched the commercial you'll have seen Trump getting a low-blow divorce joke in at the end (you can read how that came about here). In hindsight the fall-out from a large divorce settlement may have been a primary reason for him doing the commercial.
Not content with stuffing his orange chops with slices of pizza pie just once, the big crybaby would return for second Pizza Hut commercial, which aired in the Australian market in 2000, and was for large 'New Yorker' pizzas the chain was promoting at the time...
Other brands that Trump has appeared on TV promoting include Macy's, Verizon, and Visa, but it's his well documented love of fast food and snacking which seem to dominate his commercials. It seems his diet consists of junk food and cookies, which is odd because you may remember back in August 2015, when he was Presidential candidate, Trump announced his support for the Oreo Boycott, going so far at to promise he'd never to eat another Oreo again. Yet...
Christ! It's Double Trump!! Like one isn't enough. Yes, before Alec Baldwin had cornered the market in Trump impressions, here's the Tangerine Tornado appearing alongside Darrell Hammond, Eli Manning and Peyton Manning in a commercial for Oreos.
Twenty years prior to that, in a time before he discovered sunbeds, the future Cheeto Hitler appeared in a pay-per-view boxing commercial funded by Diet Pepsi...
This may have been the source of Trump's love for diet soda, as after he became President it was reported that he drinks twelve cans of, rival brand, Diet Coke a day! Weird that, isn't it? As I remember him saying something about Diet Coke. What was it now? Ah yes...
Hello, Mr Kettle. It's Pot on line one for you.
Look, he even celebrated his Presidential win with a bottle, alongside a large Big Mac meal...
Talking of which...
Yes, that's Orange Julius alongside Purple Grimace (allegedly Ronald McDonald refused to appear on screen with Trump because he's a massive racist who promotes xenophobia) in the first of three commercials for McDonald's. Again, look how his teeny tiny hands make that burger seem massive, when is in fact just two inches wide. Perhaps.
As we have seen, Trump's love for fast food is well known. McDonald's love for Trump is also well known...
Apparently, much like Trump's elasticated wasteband, McDonald's Twitter account "was compromised".
So there you have it, a brief history of Donald Trump's commercials. If impeachment and a warm padded cell isn't in the Pussy Grabber's near future then, with any luck, in about 16 months Fuckface Von Clownstick will once again be peddling other people wares, when America finally (hopefully) wakes up and chooses literally anyone else as President and his tenure as Assaulter-in-Chief comes to an end. I'm sure the offers will come rolling in. In fact, I hear Sunny Delight are looking for a new face for a re-launch of their brand.
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