In a move not entirely dissimilar to locking the stable door after the horse has bolted, run the Grand National, fallen at the second fence and subsequently been shot, the British government are making face coverings compulsory in all shops from tomorrow, July 24th, in an effort to stop the spread of Covid-19.
We are ever so fortunate that Boris Johnson's boss Dominic Cummings seemingly has a direct line to the Cornoavirus and must have come to an arrangement that it would stay out of shops until midnight tonight but after that it's fair game. Surely that can be the only reason why compulsory face coverings in shops wasn't implemented 132 days ago at the start of lockdown, right? Or perhaps the government's just completely inept? Maybe they still want herd immunity and see 60,000+ deaths as a win? Or maybe someone in the cabinet has a friend who makes face masks?
Either way, whatever the reason - put your goddamn mask on people!
Along with the standard PPE style surgical face masks, there are a huge variety of funky fabric ones available to purchase. Or you could even make your own one from an old t-shirt. Or maybe, just maybe, you could go a step further and pay tribute to your favourite comic-book character, because, like these examples below, their masks offer maximum protection*.
Bane
Unlike Batman, whose cape and cowl is not getting him through the door of Waitrose, Bane (Donald Trump's idol, at least the version played by Tom Hardy in The Dark Knight Rises) has himself a mask that not only filters the air but pumps him full of anesthetic - handy when there's a global pandemic. Unfortunately, with the side-effect of the mask somewhat muffling his voice, it's quite possible Bane would struggle at the cheese counter when asking for a cut of Asiago.
Spider-Man
Total anonymity can be yours with a full-head style Spider-Man mask. In the Tom Holland MCU version, the eye slots even filter the air, so no pesky germs are getting through that second skin. Of course, if you popped into Greggs to get yourself a bacon & cheese wrap you may struggle to actually eat the thing with this on. And no friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man wants hot cheese oil stains on their freshly-pressed-by-Aunt-May spidey-suit.
Doctor Doom
Let's face it, any child that has a name like Victor Von Doom is going to grow up to be a bad guy! But to paraphrase Wreck-It-Ralph, just because you're a bad guy doesn't mean you have to be a bad guy. Although, even though he's doing his bit and wearing a mask, in Doom's case it does!
Victor hides his true appearance under the metal mask, self-conscious of his disfigurement, so Doctor Doom is probably quite desperate for a can of WD-40 by now. With his mask in place he can pop into B&Q, grab some lubricant then head down to Boots for some moisturiser to take care of that beautiful face of his.
Iron Man
Tony Stark has some cool gadgets, and the constant modifications and updates he made to his Iron Man suit means that he can call it on demand and it adorns his body, with the mask opening and closing around his face when needed. So unlike Spidey above, Stark Jr here will have no trouble eating his Greggs sausage roll whilst staying Covid-safe when in store, and any spillage just wipes off the iron armor. Lovely.
Black Panther
The vibranium weaved into his mask (and full suit) absorbs kinetic energy. It's unknown if it also acts as a membrane against germs but it's certainly enough protection to gain access to Waterstones. Just mind those claws when browsing the paperbacks!
Obviously this is all a bit lighthearted, but if you're a superhero fan and the thought of wearing a mask seems like a daunting prospect to you then Marvel have released a range of face masks featuring Black Panther, Hulk, The Avengers and one with the Marvel logo on that might provide some comfort during these difficult times. Or get your own material and knock-up a bespoke one-of-a-kind mask for your next trip to the shops.
This Coronavirus isn't just going to disappear by itself, and although nothing can guarantee full protection from Covid-19 we need to all act responsibly and do what we can to keep ourselves and others safe, even when our governments are lagging behind introducing what we all know is the right thing to do.
*Disclaimer: They probably don't provide maximum protection against anything because, and I hate to burst your bubble here, they are all props. Sorry. But they are still face coverings, so next time you're doing a shop why not walk into Waitrose in a Bane mask. That would go down well, right?
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