Come with us into The Christmas That Never Was, and let’s count down our want list in reverse order.
What could be more comforting that a subdued night light, showing the ring of Mouri in contained columns of light. For the best effect, set the alarm clock and allow the night light to provide a comforting glow all through the darkest hours, as the Mouri sift the time that holds our universe together.
Then, when it’s time to wake up, the night light could go – if you’ll excuse the expression – absolutely tonto. The lights could flash on and off, accompanied by the sound of the scream when one of the Mouri was touched by Swarm. Heck, feel free to throw in a cloister bell sound effect if screams aren’t enough to get you out of bed.
Sure, arguably this could traumatise a whole generation of Christmassing kids, but hey – Doctor Who, right?
OK, we know that something like Mr Potato Head would be much more in keeping with the Sontaran’s overwhelming food-based image.
That’s at least partially why we haven’t gone for it.
Instead, imagine egg cups painted with the brand spanking new Sontaran uniforms. Available in either Skaak or Svild versions.
What’s the difference in the Sontaran uniforms? The Svild set (Dan Starkey Sontaran) comes with a bandage for his cannonball injury, naturally, and the Skaak version comes with his Sontaran gun painted in its holster.
The cups would come with a set of food-safe pens to draw the face of your favourite Sontaran on your egg, and each would come with a really quite cool Sontaran helmet egg cosy, to keep the egg warm while your imagination went wild.
Also available, a complete Svild, Ritskaw, and Skaak set, with Skaak seated on a horse. Who’s never fantasised about cracking a Sontaran’s head open and dipping toast soldiers into the hot, gooey yolk inside?
Wait, that’s just me?
OK, fine! See how you are? Next item…
Something about the Temple of Atropos just seems to scream “Night Light” at us. It has some pretty sumptuous décor, but one of its most notable features is the flying inverted pyramids known as the Priest Triangles.
We’re thinking night lights/lamps, but with a bit of extra tech. Say they came supplied with both a wall bracket, so they could function as straightforward wall lights, and also with hanging hooks, for that “suspended in mid-air” vibe of the originals.
Add to that three illumination settings, a programmable speaking alarm, a panic-flashing mode, and some voice clips - the panic-flashing mode obviously would flash in a rhythm that was short of strobing, and would match with up with voice clips of the Priest Triangle wigging out as it’s touched by either Swarm or Azure.
Add in both a wireless remote control, so you can turn it on and off, change the light intensity, or make it speak with the click of a button, and a bit of smart Alexa connectivity so you can actually control it by voice and have it ‘respond’ to you, and what you have there is either a smart, tech-heavy kid-fan light that parents will be sick to death of by Boxing Day, or – be honest – a cute flashing light that can blink in time with your Alexa’s words. See also, future potential for a Dalek with head lights that flash along with your Alexa…
Everyone’s been digging the frock coat styling of Swarm and Azure with their spectacular colour schemes and wild embroidery.
How about a two-level version to unwrap this Christmas morning? For the kids, spectacularly shiny pyjama versions, with accurate patterning of the embroidery (thought possibly not the embroidery itself, in case of scratching accidents while asleep), and practically cosplay levels of accurate colouring and embroidery on grown-up dressing gowns. They’d have to be belt-free, so as not to ruin the look, but maybe Velcro fastening strips would work and help you to get your Swarm or Azure on while you recover from your post-Christmas sherry headache and try to remember why your mouth feels like the bottom of an Uber.
For extra fun, they’d have a fairly formal look to them, so you could legitimately get away with wearing them on Zoom calls during those work-from-home meetings that would otherwise threaten to melt your brain in the new year. Wearing your Swarm or Azure dressing gown/robe, you can be happily lost in the fantasy of making everyone else on the call turn to dust, while they tell you about their ambitious plans for the next quarter.
You know that’s got to be worth the purchase price… It’s like having the Master’s Tissue Compression Eliminator in your hand, but much, much more subtle.
And finally, the biggie. The must-have Flux-related Christmas goodie. The plush, soft-haired Karvanista hot water bottle cover. Whether you have him protecting your feet on a chilly Boxing Night, or snuggling up with your favourite idiot while a Lupari protector spreads the warmth through their fur, the Karvanista hot water bottle cover is the perfect Fluxy Christmas gift.
For those with more money to spend, there could also be a longer version – an electric heating pad inside a larger, but still as plush and dog-hair snuggly Karvanista, for along the bottom of those winter beds. Cheaper than a real dog and slightly easier to wash, the Karvanista footwarmer could be just the thing to keep you in a Fluxy state of mind and a toasty state of foot till Springtime.
These are of course just the ideas that spring to mind after the first couple of episodes of Doctor Who: Flux. Other potential gift ideas might well spring to mind as the series runs on. A meat grinder in the shape of an Ood-face, maybe, so the mince comes out as face-tentacles? A festive door ornament of an angel with its hands over its eyes, wired to the doorbell so the hands fly open when it’s pressed (take that, carol singers!). A Sontaran ship salt and pepper grinder set? An electric carving knife in the shape of Karvanista’s glowing axe, to tackle the festive bird?
And yes, obviously, the idea of a rubber wok and the Doctor’s Christmas Catapult sprung immediately to mind after War of the Sontarans. But we didn’t put either of them on our list, because Christmas is a stressful enough period as it is, without endless visits to A&E, having to explain to the weary nurses that little Jonny and Jenny were “playing Sontarans” when one of them got well and truly bonked upside the head with a wok, and the other nearly lost an eye in a retaliatory catapulting.
What do you reckon? What would be on YOUR Doctor Who Christmas Gift List?
Tony lives in a cave of wall-to-wall DVDs and Blu-Rays somewhere fairly nondescript in Wales, and never goes out to meet the "Real People". Who, Torchwood, Sherlock, Blake, Treks, Star Wars, obscure stuff from the 70s and 80s and comedy from the dawn of time mean he never has to. By day, he runs an editing house, largely as an excuse not to have to work for a living. He's currently writing a Book. With Pages and everything. Follow his progress at FylerWrites.co.uk
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