Christopher Morley travels north of the border to discover the recently regenerated Doctor and another pure historical adventure, as he looks back at The Highlanders.
We come now to what is possibly Alex Salmond's favourite Who story ever - The Highlanders. Look past the fact that it appears to have been made to order for an audience of Scots nationalists though & you just might find yourself enjoying it whether or not you come from north of the border. Squeeze into a kilt & don a Tam O' Shanter before pouring yourself a Bells, Famous Grouse, or if you're feeling cheap & cheerful a Tennants or Irn-Bru will do the job nicely, lads & lassies...
We come now to what is possibly Alex Salmond's favourite Who story ever - The Highlanders. Look past the fact that it appears to have been made to order for an audience of Scots nationalists though & you just might find yourself enjoying it whether or not you come from north of the border. Squeeze into a kilt & don a Tam O' Shanter before pouring yourself a Bells, Famous Grouse, or if you're feeling cheap & cheerful a Tennants or Irn-Bru will do the job nicely, lads & lassies...
It's been a
strange time for the Doctor lately! Newly regenerated & having
just about come through yet another set-to with the Daleks (The
Power Of The Daleks),
he & his inherited
companions Ben & Polly (who'd traveled with him in his First
incarnation & indeed witnessed his 'renewal' for themselves) now
find themselves in Scotland. But before the Doctor can enquire about
getting himself & his friends a few plum tickets for the
Edinburgh Festival, it quickly emerges that they're a little too
early - they've materialised in the 17th
century!
Which means only
one thing if you know your history (and indeed the 'pure historical'
format, which has of course been a mainstay since Marco
Polo). Time for a good old
battle! The Battle of Culloden, to be precise - for those who didn't
pay attention in school, the basic thrust of the conflict is as
follows.
It's 1746,
marking the final phase of what was known as the Jacobite Rising -
Bonnie Prince Charlie & his supporters (the Jacobites) doing
their damndest to put the rule of the United Kingdom back into the
hands of the Stuarts, opposed by what's left of the British Army or 'Redcoats' (a large contingent of which is already engaged in the War
of the Austrian Succession), who rather like the job the Hanoverian
dynasty have been doing since they came over from Germany in 1714 &
so are doing their duty for King, in this case George II, &
country- ultimately winning & forcing the Prince into exile in
France.
By the time the
TARDIS arrives it appears the whole thing's nearly over. The Jocks
are running away, & the Doctor & company quickly come across
the proud Clan McLaren, led by its Laird, Colin. Stepping from 'Sexy'
into the heat of battle & quickly forced to dodge a cannonball
with their names on it if they're not careful, Ben decides he wants
to have a look around despite the massive hints that it's not
necessarily a brilliant idea to do so, & with that his good lady
& the one-off Time Laird follow him into the thick of it.
In the course of
their poking around, the resident of Auld Gallyfrae (as his home
planet is most likely rendered in the Scots dialect) finds himself a
lovely new & entirely appropriate piece of headgear - a Tam
O'Shanter! If nothing else a space can be found for it in the
wardrobe alongside the stovepipe hat (The Power Of The
Daleks) surely?
'Finally,
something tae, I mean to, help me blend in..' he most likely thinks
to himself. Making the decision that he might as well try it on &
initially throwing it away, he's forced to change his mind when he
notices he's a tad surrounded.
Some Jacobites have been hiding in a
nearby cottage - and one of them (Alexander, the Laird's son) forces
him to bring the headpiece & indeed his companions with him to
their hiding place. You'd be forgiven for wondering who the hat's
original owner is - none other than the Prince himself.
Given the tone of
things so far you might expect the Scots separatists to be a lot
nicer than their Redcoat foes. And you'd be wrong. They're about to
give the Doctor & his associates something a lot nastier than a
mere Glasgow kiss until Kirsty, the injured Laird's lovely daughter,
begs that the aforementioned Time Laird be allowed to treat her
beloved pops.
Well, he's a
Doctor isn't he? In what's probably the earliest recorded example of
free healthcare for haggis-lovers, he agrees, with the entirely
reasonable caveat that nobody's allowed to harm him or his friends,
Ben not entirely helpfully reinforcing the point by waving a gun in
their faces.
Eventually he puts it down, but unfortunately it goes 'bang', alerting a few of those nasty Englishmen to their whereabouts. The wily Redcoats surround the hidey-hole, & in the process of trying to throw them off the scent Alexander is shot doon, or 'down' if you prefer.
Lieutenant
Ffinch, a nasty piece of work with a silly posh name (perfect for
the military given the period, you might reasonably argue) who
happens to be the leader of this particular red-coated regiment,
quickly proves just how worthy of boos he is. Unconvinced by Ben's
hammy argument that the time travellers are prisoners of war, he
deems them rebels & orders them to be hanged with the rest of the
Caledonian culprits. Meanwhile, for some reason the Doctor's
pretending to be German...
A solicitor,
Grey, & his clerk Perkins - another pair of shady toffs - are
watching all this unfold with interest. They want to get their greedy
mitts on the prisoners to sell into a life of slavery in the West
Indies, made easier by Grey's role as His Majesty's Commissioner of
Prisons, & quickly hatch a plan to put their dastardly
profit-making scheme into action.
It's easier than even they might
have thought, a simple bribe to the sergeant who's currently engaged
in the business of trying to hang all & sundry getting them a
step closer to berths on a boat to warmer climes for all the wrong
reasons.
It's only the
chaps who'll be getting that 'pleasure' though, Kirsty & Polly
having escaped in the process of going to fetch water to help the
Doctor treat Clan McLaren's leader. Incidentally the man from
Gallyfrae's going as well, having managed to convince them that he's
the Laird's personal physician.
Looks like a jailbreak's on the cards
once they reach Inverness! And he'll deliver on the promise to free
every last man in spectacular fashion - convincing their captors to
release him, once again in the guise of 'Doktor Von Wer' (German,
meaning ' Doctor of Who'), by means of imparting news of an entirely
fake plot to assassinate the Duke of Cumberland.
Double-crossing
Grey, with the aid of the Bonnie Prince's standard, using the flag to
disarm & completely bamboozle the corrupt blaggard in a bid to
help everyone escape an enforced new life in the sun, delivered there
by a Captain Trask's ship, the Annabelle.
The
captain quickly proves himself at least as rotten as Ffinch
with a decree that the only way
the prisoners will get off his boat is by drowning. Boo, hiss. And
he's not even the real captain - that honour goes to Mackay, who knows
the Laird & was himself betrayed by Trask.
If that's not bad
enough they're quickly informed by Ffinch that they've got three
choices, all of which aren't all that appealing. Betray their
comrades by turning King's evidence (basically a snitch), be hanged,
or sign up for a seven-year stretch on the plantations. Only Ben,
McLaren, the laird's young piper Jamie McCrimmon & Mackay have
the good sense not to put pen to paper.
Meanwhile, the
Doctor's chosen to dabble in drag, disguising himself as an old woman
& taking a long time over going to Polly & Kirsty's aid
against Grey. Ms Wright comes up with a genius plan- using some money
they've pinched earlier, they'll purchase weapons from the Redcoats &
smuggle them to the prisoners aboard the ship.
It doesn't go very
well, the Doctor only managing a wheelbarrow's worth of swords,
muskets & the like, but the greed of a certain captain may well
help them out rather a lot later on..
Kirsty's been
wearing the Prince's ring on her finger the whole time, having been
entrusted with it by her father, and agrees to part with it for the
greater good. Pulling off the mother of all bluffs by hoodwinking
Grey that Jamie is actually the Prince - they've had Charlie in the
hold the whole time!
Of
course, they haven't really, but these Redcoats are a right bunch of
idiots. Going to inspect their illustrious charge, they're ambushed
by the Jacobites..serves them right. At this point Mr Salmond is
probably crying tears of pure joy.
And well he should be, the baddies
are defeated, and he's every right to petition for a statue of the
Second in full Caledonian regalia to be placed outside Holyrood,
immortalised as a true hero just like Rabbie Burns & William Wallace.
Mackay resumes command of the Annabelle,
telling his new crew to be ready
for a quick departure en Francais to join their leader, Grey's
afforded the sort of treatment he once meted out & the TARDIS
crew make arrangements to get past the Redcoats & resume their
travels through time & space - with a new face in tow.
Jamie wants
to come, a request to which the Doctor readily agrees in exchange for
some bagpipe lessons. Onwards, upwards & to The
Underwater Menace it is, then - though he'll be back on Scottish soil two incarnations later for a meeting with 'Nessie' & some Zygons (Terror Of The Zygons).
The 'pure historical' will have to wait a little longer to return
though - by then the Time Lord will have developed a fondness for cricket
(Black Orchid) Howzat!
Previous Pure Historicals
The Reign Of Terror
The Romans
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