Nothing screams British long weekend quite like a meticulously planned James Bond marathon, and who better to guide us through this Herculean task than Alan Partridge? The fictional Norwich-based broadcaster’s ambitious plan to watch every single Bond film back-to-back across a Bank Holiday weekend, as mooted in episode four of series two of I'm Alan Partridge (Never Say Alan Again).
Dave: So er, what are you doing this weekend then, Alan?
Alan: I'm watching all the Bond films, back to back, with my friend Michael.
Dave: Oh, what, the guy who works at the BP garage?
Alan: I know where he works.
Dave: OK, there goes Alan Partridge, licensed to kill… time, in his caravan by watching videos.
It's a task that is nothing short of a triumph of organisation, snack planning, and bodily endurance.
“Right, Sonja. Let’s sort this timetable out. 9am, “Doctor No”. Break for a pee. I need at least three minutes to urinate. Seems to take forever these days. I never thought, when I was in my 20’s I’d have to push.But what if you wanted to delve into a three-day cinematic odyssey like Alan Partridge’s Bank Holiday Bondathon? How many of 007 adventures could you really fit in? What ones would you skip? Even if only for time's sake? It's close to a mission impossible (wrong franchise!), but by trimming some of the fat it can be done. So, here's our handy template for a-ha-mazing long weekend, and how to tackle the Bondathon with Partridge-level precision....
11:05, “From Russia With Love”. 1:15, “Goldfinger”. Strawberry Nesquilk, fishcakes. 3:35, “Thunderball”. Dump. Put question mark. See how I feel after the fishcakes.
6:15, “You Only Live Twice”. Tin of Director’s. 8:20, “Diamonds Are Forever”. Put the roast on as soon as you see the moon buggy.“
Saturday: The Mission Begins
At 9am sharp, it’s time to start channelling your inner Alan. Get yourself to the sofa, remote in one hand, a mug of builder’s tea in the other, and press play to get this Bondathon underway with Doctor No. Make sure to schedule your first break for a quick loo trip—three minutes, as Alan recommends. Efficiency is key; you’ve got a long day ahead.
By 11:05am, From Russia With Love is on. Take this opportunity to ease into the marathon’s rhythm. Maybe grab a digestive biscuit or two to tide you over. When 1:15pm arrives, it’s time for Goldfinger, and lunch should be ready. Alan swears by fishcakes and a glass of strawberry Nesquik—an unusual pairing, but simplicity is the name of the game.
At 3:35pm, Thunderball kicks off. Now, here’s where planning comes into play. Alan leaves room for a potential "dump," noting the unpredictability of fishcakes. Whether you need the break or not, take stock of how you’re feeling because by 6:15pm, You Only Live Twice is rolling, and it’s time to crack open a tin of Director’s bitter for morale. The spectacle of the volcano lair will be just the boost you need as the day nears its end.
Alan's wise skipping of On Her Majesty's Secret Service is advisable, not because of the quality of the movie or any sleight to George Lazenby, but more for an earlier finish to the day to maintain stamina for what is ahead. Plus, day one of the Bondathon is all about the daddy; Sir Sean of the Connery.
Dinner aligns perfectly with Diamonds Are Forever at 8:20pm. Alan’s advice? "Put the roast on as soon as you see the moon buggy." Timing is everything here. By the time Connery wraps up his final official Bond outing, get yourself into bed to recharge. Well done, recruit—the mission has only just begun.
Sunday: Roger Moore and the Mid-Bond Slump
Sunday kicks off at 9am with Roger Moore’s debut, Live and Let Die. Keep breakfast light—a croissant and coffee will suffice. Alan suggests a tuxedo to set the tone, though you’ll probably be trading it for loungewear by The Man with the Golden Gun at 11:15am. Practicality always wins out in the end.
Lunch coincides with The Spy Who Loved Me at 1:30pm. Alan recommends a traditional Ploughman’s lunch—cheese, Branston pickle, and crusty bread—to sustain you. The next hurdle is Moonraker at 4pm, a film that takes Bond into space. This is a critical moment where fatigue might set in. Combat it with a strong cup of tea or another tin of Director’s.
By 6:30pm, For Your Eyes Only brings things back to Earth. Dinner should be straightforward but hearty: Alan opts for steak and kidney pie with instant mash. If you’ve made it this far, congratulations—your stamina is commendable. Octopussy at 8:45pm offers a mix of escapist fun and absurdity, a perfect antidote to the day’s heavier moments.
Hopefully yesterday's early night means you’re still awake when A View to a Kill begins at 11pm. If so, pat yourself on the back. Grace Jones and Christopher Walken await to see you through to a very late bedtime.
Monday: Dalton and Brosnan Bring It Home
The final stretch begins bright and early with The Living Daylights at 8am. A quick breakfast of toast and marmalade will fuel you through Timothy Dalton’s gritty portrayal of Bond. Licence to Kill follows at 10:30am, and hydration is vital here—a tall glass of squash or cordial will keep you sharp. Dalton’s intense revenge arc will help you power through any lingering exhaustion.
Lunchtime pairs perfectly with GoldenEye at 1pm. Alan might suggest a Scotch egg, but feel free to experiment. Pierce Brosnan’s suave debut offers a refreshing change of pace, and his impeccable hair might just inspire you to push through to the finish line.
Tomorrow Never Dies begins at 3:30pm. This is your chance to recharge with a snack—Hobnobs are Alan’s pick for this stage. By 5:45pm, you’re into The World Is Not Enough. While the plot might not be everyone’s favourite, this penultimate entry is a milestone. Even Denise Richards as a nuclear physicist can’t dampen your spirits now.
Finally, at 8:30pm, Die Another Day rounds out the marathon. Celebrate with a microwave lasagne—simple, satisfying, and just indulgent enough to mark the occasion. As Madonna’s divisive theme song plays over the credits, you can bask in the glory of having completed one of the most ambitious cinematic challenges imaginable.
A Marathon for the Ages
Alan Partridge’s Bank Holiday Bondathon is a testament to the power of scheduling, perseverance, and the ability to ignore basic nutritional advice. While most would balk at the idea of watching 19 films in three days, Alan approached it with the meticulousness of a military operation—albeit one involving Nesquik and fishcakes. We suspect he'd also bulk at Daniel Craig's take on 007, excluding his movies from the Bondathon having never got over the time Craig wore a lifejacket when introduced as the character.
Whether you’re a Bond aficionado or simply someone who enjoys the absurd, there’s something undeniably heroic about Alan’s commitment to this cinematic endurance test. One thing is certain: nobody does it better, though quite a few might do it with fewer digestive interruptions.
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