Striving for a modern Indiana Jones meets Mission: Impossible vibe, the Guy Ritchie romp Fountain of Youth delivers a globe-trotting, logic-defying, genre-hopping adventure that barrels through ancient mysteries, elite conspiracies, and family therapy with all the subtlety of a wrecking ball in a history museum. It’s not a great film, but it certainly is a ride.
Directed by Ritchie with glossy bravado and a wink toward every franchise it’s trying to emulate, Fountain of Youth stars John Krasinski as Luke Purdue, a disgraced archeologist who’s basically Ethan Hunt with a fedora and a chip on his shoulder. The film opens in Thailand with a frantic painting theft and an escape by train that feels plucked straight from a video game cutscene. Enter Esme (Eiza González), the obligatory mysterious antagonist-slash-love-interest who attacks Luke mid-nap and promptly sets the tone for the film’s relentless pace and uneven tone.
Back in London, Natalie Portman plays Charlotte Purdue, Luke’s beleaguered sister stuck in a museum job and a divorce subplot that vanishes quicker than the film can render a new continent. Charlotte is promptly roped into Luke’s grand conspiracy involving their late father, a secret society known as the Protectors of the Path, and six paintings that supposedly point to the titular fountain. One of those paintings? The Head of Christ by Rembrandt, lost in the sinking of the Lusitania. This, reader, is not a subtle movie.
It’s here that the film starts to show its hand. Fountain of Youth is to National Treasure what National Treasure was to The Da Vinci Code: a streamlined, cheesier, and proudly dumber echo of smarter thrillers before it. There’s a logic at work here, sure, but it’s the kind of movie-logic where a missing Bible, an ancient melody, and a child’s musical skills are all you need to unlock a chamber under the Great Pyramid of Giza.
That child is Thomas, Charlotte’s precocious son, and one of the most egregious deployments of the precocious genius child trope in recent memory. Wide-eyed, hyper-articulate, and conveniently brilliant, Thomas manages to crack ancient musical codes and navigate moral dilemmas like a pint-sized Watson. It's not that Benjamin Chivers gives a bad performance — it's that the script gives him dialogue that would make Tony Stark wince.
Domhnall Gleeson plays corporate mogul Owen Carver with relish, slipping from sickly benefactor to power-mad villain with cartoonish ease. He goes full Gollum over the Fountain, chewing scenery with increasing desperation. The twist that he isn’t dying but just craves immortality is so obvious it barely qualifies as a twist. Esme’s character, meanwhile, pivots from mysterious adversary to stoic protector. It's here when Stanley Tucci, who clearly had an afternoon free in his schedule, pops up to deliver some exposition, hinting at a deeper mythology involving the gods that feels cribbed from a Marvel pitch deck.
Inspector Jamal Abbas (Arian Moayed) provides a welcome dose of groundedness, even if he, like so many characters, gets lost in the shuffle. And poor Laz Alonso, best known for The Boys, is given the role of Patrick Murphy, a team member whose only discernible purpose is to exist. His arc (if there was one) feels mercilessly slashed in the edit, leaving him with a few lines, a couple of reactions, and zero impact. Carmen Ejogo fares slightly better as Deb McCall, but even she seems more like a placeholder than a person.
And yet, for all its nonsense, there is an earnestness that makes Fountain of Youth hard to hate. Krasinski and Portman have believable sibling chemistry, and their third-act reconciliation hits harder than it has any right to. The sequence inside the pyramid, complete with a final confrontation, collapsing chambers, and a morally complex climax, delivers solid popcorn spectacle. The Fountain, as imagined here, is less a gift and more a curse: a neat twist that elevates the finale above generic treasure-finding fare.
The final moments set up a potential franchise. Esme kisses Luke and warns him they’ll cross paths again. Charlotte asks Thomas what he wants to find next. Cue swelling music, a coy smile, and the suggestion that the Purdue family will return.
Whether they should is another matter.
Fountain of Youth is high-concept nonsense, and if you’re willing to switch off your brain and roll with its pace, it delivers the thrills. But like the cursed water at its centre, drink too deeply and you’ll start to feel the side effects.
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