Christopher Morley's mission, should he choose to accept it, is to write a review on the most recent Doctor Who episode, Time Heist.
This review will self destruct in 1196 words...
And so we come to the fifth episode of Series 8- can we now begin to form a clearer judgement on the Twelfth Doctor? Clearly we're not necessarily meant to know everything just yet- ' am I a good man?' will have to linger in the air a while longer. We can at least answer a simpler question. Actually its more of a riddle, but here goes. When is a bank heist not a bank heist? Put simply, when Steven Moffatt gets his hands on it! He has a little help from Steve Thompson ( a man who finds himself in the same boat as Peter Capaldi- the jury is still very much out), the man behind The Curse Of The Black Spot & Journey To The Centre Of The TARDIS.
We do at least get some kind of answer towards 'who gave Clara the number for the TARDIS phone?'. Answering a call, the Doctor & Ms Oswald find themselves in the Bank of Karabraxos, the place the richest people in the universe trust with their valuables. They're not alone either- Charlie Croker, Psi, a computer-augmented future human, & Saibra, a shape-shifter are down there in the vaults too. Actually, scratch that, just Psi & Saibra. They could've done with Mr Croker on their side, though. You have to admit he was pretty handy in The Italian Job. And at least he could actually remember exactly why he was doing what he did- more than can be said for the Doctor & his chums. Listening to a recorded message from someone known only as ' The Architect', they know only as much as he deems fit to tell them. Sound familiar? Their memories have been wiped for their own safety...
And they soon find out why. The security guard for the Bank is the Teller, an overgrown psychic slug which can detect guilt even before a crime has been committed- if nothing else its good money & beats causing a nuisance as a garden pest. Unluckily for everyone, the Doctor has no pellets to hand. Its hardly rocket science that they'll need tools for this particular trade, handily provided in cases left by this mysterious 'Architect'. Nice of him. They'll find more as they go along too. Now then, they'll need someone to pose as a client of the bank to get them into the inner sanctum. Anyone who's watched pretty much any heist movie ever made will know every member of such a gang has a special skill which will come in handy during the adventure. Shape-shifter you say? Saibra's on it, transforming herself into a business-type & leading the way.
Everything's ticking along nicely so far. While this is playing out, another unlucky customer is getting a demonstration of just what the Teller can do, as it reads the poor chap's mind & turns him to mush. If you thought our modern-day bankers were bad, you might just find yourself revising your opinion of them. Actually, no you won't! Ms Delphox isn't much better either. She's in charge of Karabraxos's answer to NatWest, & she's not all that nice. Well, would you be if you were a clone, kept in a junior management position to cover for the woman who made you in the first place? We've yet to meet anyone who'd say ' yes' to that. By this point it's getting a bit wibbly-wobbly cloney-woney. Not to mention confusing. So many ideas, so little time. Not to mention ample ammunition for the 'Moffat Out' brigade- if you're that way inclined.
Don't refrain from scratching your head quite yet, either. You might guess what Psi brings to the table, at least. He's a hacker & bank robber, so he's qualified enough to be here. By no means is he the leader of the operation, the Doctor having taken command via his own unique skill of being able to take charge. Even though he's never done anything remotely like breaking into a bank before. Somehow he's managed to assemble exactly the right crew to help him, though. Ready to go both wibbly & wobbly once more? The Doctor is the Architect. The Teller was kept prisoner by Madame Karabraxos, in effect the source material for Ms Delphox, as she sought to use its gifts to stop anyone getting a share of the wealth she'd managed to accumulate over time. Its mate is kept as collateral, hidden in a vault. More than a faint whiff of Hide...
Hopefully you're managing to keep up! Now might be the best time to go back & look over ' who was the woman in the shop who just happened to give Clara the TARDIS phone number?' Like just about every other big important facet of this tale, we don't really find that out until the end. But we're assured that there is a very good reason why she finds herself running around robbing banks all whacked out on TARDIS snacks when she was supposed to have another date with a certain Mr Pink. Thanks to Doctor Hu-ey Morgan & the Fun Lovin' Criminals for the literary device, too! Come to think of it, somewhere in the old Type 40 there was a food machine at some stage ( take a look at The Dead Planet aka Episode One of The Daleks, & it also gets a mention in The Edge Of Destruction).....
Whacked out or not, they've a heist to pull off. Except that its not really a heist. The whole thing was arranged by an older Madame Karabraxos, dying & racked with guilt at what she'd put the Teller & Mrs Teller through. She wants them both rescued & allowed to pursue a life together on another planet, with rewards for all. The Doctor will get 'Sexy' back, Psi will be allowed to regain long-forgotten memories of friends & family ( he'd deleted them so as to spare them any possible repercussions from his past actions, which evidently were bad enough to get him a prison sentence) & Saibra will be granted some gene solution to enable her to control her condition & attempt to live a normal life.
Everyone gets a nice big wedge of cheese, too- the Doctor using the TARDIS to take the Teller & his lady friend off to a new start elsewhere in the galaxy ( much as he was able to reunite Robin Hood with his Maid Marian in Robot Of Sherwood). Just to reinforce the feeling that ' love is all around', after taking the two slugs off to a life, at least presumably, of domestic bliss & ruining cabbage patches, he takes Clara back so she can have her date with Danny after all. Heart-warming stuff, eh? And if that weren't enough his next stop sees him returning to where it all began in a sense ( Coal Hill School) & finally taking a job that caught his eye as a convenient cover for investigating Dalek interest in the Hand of Omega during his Seventh incarnation!
Just remember the Headmaster's words- 'Well, you're a bit over-qualified for the position, but if you would like to leave your particulars and references'.......